When you come to a stop, you see details that didn’t stand out while running
Lately I have been thinking a lot about “the good old days”, about the period before I became ill, about the people who were in my life at that time and disappeared, about what I filled my days with, about how I felt, bout what made me happy, and about what excited me.
That is light years ago, literally because I have been ill since 2008. Actually, right from the beginning of my illness, I was too sick to do any activities with friends.
Friendship was maintained here at home, from the couch.
Most friendships therefore slipped like loose sand through my fingers pretty quickly. I think what made a difference was that we moved not long before I became ill. My friends stayed behind in Amsterdam and I usually visited them after work. Coming to Hoorn (a small town some 35 miles north of Amsterdam, ed.) was a bridge too far and impractical for many, especially when I became ill. Travelling an hour or more for half an hour sitting on the couch with me for many of my friends was not worth it.
This always left me with a feeling that I was no longer fulfilled, no longer fun, nice or entertaining enough. I had nothing to share because I was sick, inferior.
The other day I said to a fellow sufferer: “I don’t think I’m actually stupid but apparently I couldn’t compete anymore. Not even now anyway, when I try to revive some of those old friendships, people have moved on and are not waiting for me. It’s like tugging at a dead horse.
As such I wouldn’t even want to go back to those days. But I still miss some people, even though I was written off very easily. It still gnaws at me. You can lose friends, find that stupid and still miss them.
Of course, there were exceptions. A few dear ex-colleagues who kept making an effort. A friend who came regularly (still does if I’m well enough) and didn’t mind if it was just for 15 minutes. Precisely the people I didn’t expect it from, continued making an effort.
It raises the question what kind of friend I was myself, if people I didn’t expect it from let me go so easily. The answer is not unequivocal but I do think that over the years, experiences in my life have made me softer and more emphatetic.
When you come to a stop, you see details that didn’t stand out while running.
These days, by the way, I have managed to rebuild satisfying and deep friendships with like-minded people Online. Although I have now had the opportunity to meet some of them in real life. They are people with whom I can laugh and cry and with whom I share much more than the common experience of being ill.
Min of Meer’s ME Plein
The ME Global Chronicle 